Decision has been made!!!!

So these past few weeks have been absolutely crazy with lots of decision making.  I of course decided not to take the full time position offered to me.  I couldn't feel good about it.  I love my girls and I just couldn't feel right with someone else raising them, though at times I feel someone else would do a better job than me.  I am their MOM, and for some reason I am their mom and I need to remember that and the sacred calling that it is to be a momma.  I love being a mom.  It is the hardest thing I've ever done, but the most rewarding.  I feel good about my choice.  After I made this choice I was praying/hoping that another job would come along.  I applied to many St. Lukes jobs with no response.  I felt very urgent about it because I didn't trust where I was anymore.  I felt very secure in my current postion.  Not for one second would I think I would be given an ultimatum.  I never thought for one second that I actually wouldn't be working there.  I thought I would be there until Dr. Bateman retired, which is like for 14 more years, and maybe even longer.  It's so weird to be leaving.  June 1st was my last day at my current job.  I will miss so many things.  I'll miss my patients who I absolutely adore, love, care for.  The doctors I work for, the hussle and bussle, the fun conversations each day, how hard I laughed sometimes, the things that I learned, my responsibilities, the trust of the patients, as you can see there is a lot I'm going to miss.  I started my new job on May 29th with a physician who has been so kind to me through this whole process.  She gave me a whole week after she interviewed me to do other interviews and make a decision.  She was very generous with helping me make my decision.  She made things clear, helped me feel cared for, wanted, talented, all those things that were stepped on when I was told to go full time or nothin at my other job.  I went on a Monday morning to just "skope things out."  I felt so good while I was there I couldn't say no to it.  I was apprehensive because I had another St. Lukes offer.  I was going to float around 6 clinics, didn't know my days I would work, etc, but I would have insurance for my family like I do now.  Everything would stay the same, nothing would change except the uncertainty of the schedule and places I would be.  I felt very uneasy about this but the pressure still having insurance for the family was enticing.  As I spoke to Dr. Burke (the new doc I work for ) she relieved me of many worries.  I felt that she would take care of me, help me with things to come.  I was very honest with things and she respected that and was comforting.  I chose Dr. Burke's office for many reasons.  I was apprehensive but now that I have been there for a month I have LOVED it.  It is much busier than I thought.  It is just me, the doc, and the receptionist and I like that.  I like that I finish and start everything.  I feel wanted, liked, appreciated.  I know now that Heavenly Father was probably taking me out of a situation that I would have not liked later on.  I have found out since that several people do not enjoy work anymore where I previously worked.  Due to the new computer program and such, it is much more stressful, and work has not been an enjoyment like it was previously.  Though I miss some things, I love more an my new place. I am happy to only be working 2 days just like I was before.  I enjoy my work and those I work with.  I'm grateful for this trial and what I have learned and developed a more sincere relationship with my Savior as He has always made me feel that He cares about every aspect of my life, even if I am a part time working mother. 

These are the two wonderful reasons why I chose another job instead of going full time.  They are the hardest, but most precious things in my life which I am sooo grateful me them. 

Thanks for all of your concerns.  I have heard from many of you that you have read my blog and haven't heard an answer.  I apologize.  Blogging, is on the bottom of my list, but I'll eventually get there. 

Hardest Choice of my Life

So quick update on Steven. On Feb. 7th Steven received a management job with another NAPA company (another owner) in Nampa. He was promoted to their biggest store in just 4 weeks because of how well he did with his first store. I'm so proud of the loyal, honest and hard work he puts in each day. He even works Monday thru Friday so we get weekends together as a family which has been a grea treat. We appreciate all of the prayers, support, money, love and encouraging words given during this hard time. When we were going through this trial we though we were in the biggest pickle of our lives but just as always...another harder one has come along.

I sit here on my bed after watching some conference talks with one of the fullest hearts I have ever had. I got some awful news at work today. They pulled me aside and started to talk about how my current position with the office they are wanting to make a full time position. I have been a part of this family practice office for 5 1/2 years. 3 1/2 which have been part time, ever since Kenzie was born and the two years before were full time. I was offered the position to work full time. The tears began to fall profusly. I felt like every inerd of my body fell to the ground. I knew instantly what this meant for me. In my Patriaticle Blessing it states that I will find joy and happiness in my work as I serve and bless the lives of others (nursing) but that I will find the most joy and happiness as a wife and mother. I knew when they offered the position I couldn't take the full time position but my heart was still heavy. I am so pulled to my work when I am at work and pulled enormously to my children/family when I am with them. I LOVE my job and that is an understatement. I have such strong relationships with those I work with and mostly my patient's who I love and care for so dearly. I take my job seriously. People really trust my opinion/guidance that I give them on a daily basis which I don't take lightly. I appreciate the trust and welcome it. I constantly feel that what I am doing as a wife and mother I have no clue what I'm doing, or if anything I'm doing with my kiddos is working. What I do at work, works. I know what to do and I know what the end result is. With my kids I don't know if what I am doing now will have a good result until several years down the road. The office manager continued on with talking about how much they want me to work with them but that no part time postions are currently available. Granted, we are in the large St. Lukes system and there could be things offered with in, but no guarantees.

I currently am able to pay for insurance for our whole family and all the bills through my paychecks which is such a large blessing. If I were to stop working, we wouldn't have food to eat and probably no house. I have no option but to work, which I want to. I want to stay in the same comfortable chair that I sit in each Monday and Tuesday, but I think this wonderful part of my life has passed. I am to move onto a new chapter. I don't know what it is, another office? another jjob entirely? not quite sure, but what I do know is that Faith is Christ is real and that He has a plan greater than I do. I looked into the eyes of my girls tonight as Kenzie looked at me and said "I wuv you mommy." There is truly no greater joy than to feel and see the love of your children. Being a mother is priceless. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but I have never received such great reward. As I move forward with some big choices/decision/plans, I just hope I can feel the peace and reassurance of that plan in the next few days as I make a decision.

Thanks for listening to me blab on. I just needed to write some things down to get some feelings out.

Update

So life lately has been pretty crazy, but with a lot of blessings in the midst of the storm. On December 9th Steven was laid off his job. Very, very unexpected. He was doing really well and was making a profit for NAPA but they decided to make some unexpected changes. Steven has been working as the stay at home dad for the past month and a half. He has been doing great. Our girls are happy and clean, fed, etc. The house may not be as clean as what I want it to be, but that is part of my learning also. I have been able to pick up more hours at work which has been a huge blessing. Very hard, but a large blessing. Steven has been aviding looking for a job while watching the girls full time. He will be starting with another NAPA manager job on Feb 7th but will continue to look for another job that will point him in the direction he is looking for. More money number one, number two something that is HR/Marketing/Management oriented. We will continue praying and hoping that something will come up, but we are grateful that this NAPA job has come up with another owner.

We had a wonderful Christmas. It was very different this year. I was very glad that I got 99% of the shopping done before Steven was laid off. The way that we looked at the gifts, we were so grateful for what we had. Presents all of a sudden didn't mean so much as what the true meaning of Christmas meant. It was great. This was Kenzie's first year to really understand what was going on with Santa and all. I was talking to her one day and talking to her about how Santa is here to remind us of Jesus' birth. That Jesus wants us to get presents instead of him for His birthday so that is what Santa does. She then began to state that Santa and Jesus live in Heaven and then Jesus and Santa live at the North Pole. She couldn't get that they live in different places. It was pretty funny. Also we had "elf" here in our house who did silly things each morning like hide somewhere. Kenzie would come down the stairs each morning asking where "Buddy" was. Each night he would fly to the North Pole to let Santa know how well Kenzie and Aubree were behaving. It really worked and helped us out a lot with helping her to be good. It was a lot of fun have Buddy the Elf in our house for a month.
During the month of December we received so many gifts/money/support I can't even believe how much we were blessed and continue to be blessed. We received several anymous gift cards on our door step. They have helped so much and I am so grateful for people's sacrifice to help us make it through these last few months. One great thing that we have learned during this trial has been how much more we want to give when we are able to. Now having been the receiver it has been really hard to except it even though I am very gratefu, it has been humbling and hard to accept. We have received so much emotional support from friends and family. The little hugs, encouraging words, and thoughtful cards have meant a lot to us and have helped out a lot. We love you all soo much and appreciate you.