Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Hardest Choice of my Life

So quick update on Steven. On Feb. 7th Steven received a management job with another NAPA company (another owner) in Nampa. He was promoted to their biggest store in just 4 weeks because of how well he did with his first store. I'm so proud of the loyal, honest and hard work he puts in each day. He even works Monday thru Friday so we get weekends together as a family which has been a grea treat. We appreciate all of the prayers, support, money, love and encouraging words given during this hard time. When we were going through this trial we though we were in the biggest pickle of our lives but just as always...another harder one has come along.
I sit here on my bed after watching some conference talks with one of the fullest hearts I have ever had. I got some awful news at work today. They pulled me aside and started to talk about how my current position with the office they are wanting to make a full time position. I have been a part of this family practice office for 5 1/2 years. 3 1/2 which have been part time, ever since Kenzie was born and the two years before were full time. I was offered the position to work full time. The tears began to fall profusly. I felt like every inerd of my body fell to the ground. I knew instantly what this meant for me. In my Patriaticle Blessing it states that I will find joy and happiness in my work as I serve and bless the lives of others (nursing) but that I will find the most joy and happiness as a wife and mother. I knew when they offered the position I couldn't take the full time position but my heart was still heavy. I am so pulled to my work when I am at work and pulled enormously to my children/family when I am with them. I LOVE my job and that is an understatement. I have such strong relationships with those I work with and mostly my patient's who I love and care for so dearly. I take my job seriously. People really trust my opinion/guidance that I give them on a daily basis which I don't take lightly. I appreciate the trust and welcome it. I constantly feel that what I am doing as a wife and mother I have no clue what I'm doing, or if anything I'm doing with my kiddos is working. What I do at work, works. I know what to do and I know what the end result is. With my kids I don't know if what I am doing now will have a good result until several years down the road. The office manager continued on with talking about how much they want me to work with them but that no part time postions are currently available. Granted, we are in the large St. Lukes system and there could be things offered with in, but no guarantees.
I currently am able to pay for insurance for our whole family and all the bills through my paychecks which is such a large blessing. If I were to stop working, we wouldn't have food to eat and probably no house. I have no option but to work, which I want to. I want to stay in the same comfortable chair that I sit in each Monday and Tuesday, but I think this wonderful part of my life has passed. I am to move onto a new chapter. I don't know what it is, another office? another jjob entirely? not quite sure, but what I do know is that Faith is Christ is real and that He has a plan greater than I do. I looked into the eyes of my girls tonight as Kenzie looked at me and said "I wuv you mommy." There is truly no greater joy than to feel and see the love of your children. Being a mother is priceless. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but I have never received such great reward. As I move forward with some big choices/decision/plans, I just hope I can feel the peace and reassurance of that plan in the next few days as I make a decision.
Thanks for listening to me blab on. I just needed to write some things down to get some feelings out.